NEW YORK — If you were to go by all the smiling testimonials of happy couples in ads for Web sites like eHarmony and Match.com, it would seem online dating was the knight in shining armor for disappointed romantics everywhere.
But anyone who has dabbled with Internet dating and found little success might do well to consider the more retro concept Susan Shapiro proposes in her new book, “Secrets of a Fix-Up Fanatic: How to Meet and Marry Your Match,” out now from Bantam Dell: namely, that the best route to uncovering true love is through the guidance of a matchmaker.
Now, if such an idea conjures up visions of “Fiddler on the Roof,” a quick glance at Shapiro’s book — chapter headings include “How to Be Fixed Up Fabulously” and “How to Stay Single Forever”—are likely to dispel such fears. A freelance journalist, author and longtime writing teacher, Shapiro is a firm believer in the idea of “love mentors,” older, wiser people who know you well and to whom you should turn to set you up with potential dates — people you might not have chosen on your own.
“I feel like people have stupid long laundry lists, which means you want a fantasy, not a person,” explains Shapiro. “The great thing about having a matchmaker is these are people I know, so if I’m telling you this is a mensch, this is a good person, that means you give him a shot.”
Shapiro’s process for matching people up is simple: she questions — or maybe, more accurately, interrogates — subjects about everything from their ethnic preferences to their professional aspirations and then sets them up with people from her vast arsenal of social acquaintances, all gratis as it’s just a hobby. And she remains a constant presence throughout the courting ritual, asking for feedback and providing her own, very strong opinions, no matter how difficult they may be to stomach.
And in this reporter’s experience, Shapiro’s philosophy is compelling. After playing interviewee to her in-depth survey, she informed me she was going to “hook me up with very successful, older guys who won’t be intimidated by your work.” Five or six of them. “Have a quick cup of coffee with all of them,” she instructed, as I contemplated how I could possibly fit in so many caffeinated rendezvous in a week without ending up in the hospital.
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Within 18 hours, I had e-mails from three of them and dates set with two. One, a fortysomething photographer-journalist, was half an hour late (a misunderstanding over location), but smart, charming and witty. The other, also a journalist, was wryly funny and kind and provided humorous commentary on our viewing of “Spring Awakening.” While sparks didn’t fly in either direction (the former ended our encounter with a handshake…ouch!), they were perfectly enjoyable dates. And Shapiro doesn’t believe in “sparks” anyway.
But the best part, by far, was Shapiro herself. Unlike blind dating over the Internet, where e-mail exchanges can often be misinterpreted, having a matchmaker removes the translation problem. Shapiro gave reliable, honest feedback, encouraging and arguing when she felt it appropriate.
I may not be on my way down the aisle, but having a “love mentor” certainly makes you more open-minded. And if you aren’t, Shapiro will happily tell you to become so — fast. “I always say to my students when they start arguing with me, ‘I’ve been doing this for 25 years and you’ve been doing this 25 minutes. I have five books out and you have zero. I’m really happily married and rich and you have zero money and you’re complaining that you’re living in Staten Island sharing a room with seven people. So you asked me a question and you tell me you admire me. Now shut up and listen to what I have to say.'”